Fresh off of a book about how we parents can inadvertently rob our children of agency and resilience when we do too much for them, my publisher suggested I write a book for young adults about adulting. I agreed. I got a nice contract that would pay my bills. Even better than the money, it meant they believed in me.
Over the last ten years, a lot’s been said about your unreadiness for adulthood. From the media, to influencers, to relatives, to you yourselves with your adulting memes, it’s been a constant subject. I tried to enter that world to see if I could offer something new and useful. Read everyone else’s stuff. But repeatedly, and maddeningly, I came up short. I was stuck at the front door. Who the hell am I to try to tell anyone else how to live their life? And How do I write about a broad topic while honoring the needs of each individual? For three years I kept failing to write the book you’re now reading. And while I continued to fail, the stereotypes and memes about you grew even more popular.
After a ton of thinking about adulthood and its vast and various pieces, after bringing a lens of humility and curiosity about you the generation in question, and after searching myself for what I as the author could bring, I decided the only way I can do this is to drop any pretense of authority about this all-important and universal subject and instead lead with vulnerability. So here goes:
I am not wiser than you.
I have been broken, sad, scared, bewildered, worried, and ashamed.
I try to help humans make their way in life.
I’m rooting for all of us to be okay.
This book comes from that place.
This isn’t a generic adulthood we’re talking about. It’s yours. I’m going to try to cut through the noise, the judgment, and the bullshit, and offer you thoughts from my own experience that I think might be useful. I’ll pretend you’re one of my former students who met me over coffee for a bit of life advice, or a younger relative who decided to take a chance that I might be a good listener. Whatever I have to offer you, equally valid are your own hopes, fears, plans, and dreams. I want you to bring it. I want you to bring it all.
There’s a lot here and you might get the most out of it if you talk it through with friends, elders, and mentors. That way, beyond whatever you get from me, you also get love and support from those who know you best and who are going through it all with you more or less, or who have been through it themselves. Tackle a chapter together once a week, or once a month. Share the stuff you feel you’ve got a handle on. Listen well to others, and see what you can learn from them. Maybe take a bit of a risk and open up about your fears and concerns and watch how that vulnerability builds connection and understanding. It’s a lot. Commit to supporting each other. Commit to holding each other accountable for whatever growth everyone wants to experience. None of us is meant to go it alone.
If that sounds cool, then let’s get started.
*subject to changes made during the editing process